HotMovies The Blog

Guest Blogger, Ordinary Pornstar, is an ordinary guy who works in the porn industry. For every Hef and Larry Flynt, there are a thousand guys just like him who you’ve never heard of. But he still makes a ton of dough and looks at naked ladies all day.

Let me preface this discussion with a confession: there’s not really a whole lot of porn I like. Let me re-phrase; there is a whole lot of porn I do NOT like. Giant gaping asshole porn does nothing for me. MILF porn is pretty icky as these days MILF means some porn whore who is far past her sell by date getting nailed. 80’s glam porn is just silly. Porn where there is spitting in people’s mouths doesn’t raise my flag. Porn where the guy has a 19 inch cock doesn’t thrill me. Most fetishy stuff seems made up to me. Do people really get boners for balloon porn? Really? Balloons? I’ve gotta say the only time balloons give me wood is when it’s code for big natural titties.

You know what I do like? Handjob porn. LOVE it. Probably because I love the humble handjob so much. Hang on now…bear with me. If you aren’t a handjob lover give me a few paragraphs to try to convince you. With these qualifications:

a) under no circumstances do I believe that a really good hand job is in any way better than the best blow job ever…even one by like a hand supermodel.

b) my buddies own www.manojob.com which is the best handjob site in existence [mano = hand in Spanish. Get it now? No, no it’s not MAN-o-job. It’s MANO-job. Yes, I’ve told them. No, they aren’t Mexican. Yes, they are married to the name.] I have no interest in the site whatsoever, personally, other than it being the best handjob site in the world. But if you go join right now and then email them and say I told you that it was the best site ever I think I can get a free beer out of it.

So. The glorious handjob.

I don’t really need to sing the praises of the blowjob, it’s a great thing. I’ll tell you though, the first guy who thought of sticking his cock in a chick’s mouth instead of the punani? Smart motherfucker. Probably like Einstein smart. I would say Stephen Hawking smart, but what’s that guy ever stuck his cock in? But what about the handjob, who ever thought of getting a chick to do something you can do yourself? I argue that this is genius as well!

But have you ever really thought of the pros of the handjob? First and foremost, no teeth! By far the biggest mistake a chick makes when giving you substandard head is too much in the

tooth department. You would think that this would be a no brainer — no teeth on the cock, but it’s often a big issue. But with a handie it’s not even possible. Actually, having your lady’s mouth free is great for other reasons. Most importantly — attitude. See I have always thought part of the reason that chicks hate blowing you is because they can’t talk. I hate to sound like a douche here, but chicks like to talk, right? Seriously, they love talking the way I love handjobs – only more. The problem is, they can’t really bust out a monologue when you are face fucking them…er face making LOVE to them. So…QED — they are less than enthusiastic about the BJ. I usually just tell a chick, “Hey that’s why they call it a blowJOB and not a blowHOBBY - it’s work.” but this doesn’t often end with me getting a satisfactory BJ.

A handjob is great, however. She can run her mouth the whole time and all you have to do is nod and concentrate on the way her tits bounce as she jerks you.

Another advantage is that you can usually jizz all over a chick when she’s jerking you off. C’mon, in anybody’s book this is freakin’ awesome. If a chick is jerking you off you can usually aim it so she knows what’s coming. Anyway it’s a great excuse to splash your lady in some semen.

Also, any chick can pull it off. There are some women who are just terrible at giving head. They just can’t get the rhythm or pressure right to make you unload. But a handjob? She just tugs. It’s elegant in its simplicity, it’s primal. You tug the tiger and it happens.

If you have no idea what I’m talking about and think I’m a freaking loon I can tell you one thing, compadre. YOU have never had a really great handjob. I feel bad for you. I feel like I’m describing a Latife Rothschild to a guy who thinks that as long as it has a cork it’s good wine. WRONG my friend WRONG. If you have never busted a nut so hard that your cock felt like the barrel of a shotgun – you my friend have never had a decent handjob.

Additionally, the best thing about it is that most chicks don’t even consider it full sex so you can probably get a very solid handie on a first or second date. What could be more romantic than laying back and letting a strange girl jerk you off? If you’re smart and you can get her to the point that she’s really into it and then you fuck her…it’s like stealing home in a play off game.

Last but not least? You can get a handjob in the bus station for $5 and not risk herpes. And maybe that’s the best reason of all.

-Ordinary Pornstar