HotMovies The Blog

Hilarious title aside…I am here to bring you a truncated list of the best midget porn videos on our site. Some of them might not stand up to the test of time, and others might be riddled with shortcomings, but try to watch with a little openness and you might find that a short time later there’s a small part of you that likes it…a tiny bit!

Freaky Midgets

Freaky Midgets indeed. And the word works on two different levels. The sex is freaky and the performers are, well…nice people.

(more…)

Let me in introduce you to the wonderful world of the heel grabbing blow job. When a woman loves a man, or has been drinking since she woke up, she may place the man’s penis in her mouth ever so gently and move her head causing penile stimulation.

However, when the woman is sexy as shit and wants a load on her forehead, she will lay on her stomach, shove that dick in her mouth, and reach back to grab her heels while she gets face fucked. It is assumed that high heels have come into being for the sole purpose of the heel grabbin beej, because to a man, there is nothing sexier than imagining your dick is the apple in a tied hog’s mouth.

Now, allow me to show you just how sweet this really is… Here are the top 5:

#5 - I Wanna Get Face Fucked

Scene 8- Wow! Asian chick, in a bikini, with a tramp stamp, and nice big boobies…getting face fucked. This is what I dream about…usually. Watch this chicks face get covered in her own spit as she artfully and perfectly performs the ancient, heel grabbing bj. (more…)

Henry Kissinger said power is the greatest aphrodisiac… or something. I don’t know, I was never good at geography.

Regardless, a staple of the 2008 Presidential election has been Political Hottie endorsements. These are ladies who stump for the candidate of their choosing with a suggestive YouTube video. If you rely on sexy web cam chicks to tell you how to vote then this is you’re lucky election cycle.

Since there are a billion candidates and a billion viral whores for each candidate I managed to find 7 of the sexiest. They’re ranked by a number of criteria, none of which being who they support. This list and the content therein are in no way an endorsement of any candidate by HotMovies, the Blog or myself…

7. The Kucinich Girl

Hyla Matthews really wants to have sex with Dennis Kucinich. She wrote a song about it (a common staple of the internet stump video) with creepy lyrics describing her crush, bordering on psychotic lust, for the Ohio Congressman.

6. The Mitt Girls

I guess cause he’s a Mormon, Mitt Romney is allowed two girls in his video. The Mitt Girls get points for gymnastics and tap dancing interludes during their origional number; sung to the tune of ‘Candy Man’ (no doubt the Xtina version). Long legs, high heels and jazz hands are all dance speak for doubling the size of Guantanamo.

5. The Edwards Girl

Heather the Edwards Girl embraces the web cam ascetic, going so far as to include strip-worthy background music by the Pussy Cat Dolls. Shaking that ass and singing along she almost looks as cute as Edwards himself.

4. The Obama Girl

I’m not sure that history will recognize Obama Girl as the progenitor of the hottie endorsement but her videos will certainly be remembered as having the best production value. In this one Amber Lee Ettinger gains super powers after Obama sprays her with -um- hope…

3. The Ron Paul Girl

Forgoing the pretense of music or super powers; Mona Gillen strips for Ron Paul. She hopes smaller government and her panties will be enough to propel the dark horse candidate to victory.

2. The Hillary Girl

The Hillary Clinton endorsement features hottie Taryn Southern in an American flag bikini singing about loving another woman. A little tongue action and I might actually have been inspired to vote this year.

1. The Giuliani Girl

Rudy was forced to drop out of the race last month because he just didn’t have enough money or votes to go on. I could have told you that was going to happen. After all, the only hottie he could find to endorse him was himself.

-Pat Joseph

Meet the new Bond Girl; British actress Gemma Arterton

She joins an ever growing club of women whom I’ve masturbated to. Before Gemma learns what her clever name and kinky gimmicks are I think it’s important she be familiar with the history she’s stepping into.

Allow me to present you The Top 7 Bond Girls I’ve Masturbated To:

7. Honey Rider - The first Bond Girl is often considered the best. Honey Rider emerges from the sea wearing a sexy bikini singing “Underneath The Mango Tree.” She’s gorgeous but they play her insecure over a crooked nose she got as a kid. See? That imperfection makes her attainable. Plus I dig chicks with low self esteem.

6. Tatyana Romanova - Poor, ignorant Tatyana. SPECTER used her to lure Bond into a trap and she had no idea. Her naiveté is what really does it for me; she’s completely clueless in this world of espionage. The only thing better than a woman playing innocent is one who actually is.

5. Solitaire - Jane Seymour began her movie career with Live and Let Die. She was the assistant to Mr. Big, who used her to predict the future using tarot cards. However Bond charms her away and, like any other Bond girl, does her. After that she loses her power. All of my fantasies involving Solitaire occur before she loses her powers. Make of that what you will.

4. Anya Amasova - Her secret agent name is ‘XXX’ and even though James Bond killed her boyfriend over some Super Secret Soviet Micro-Film she bangs him anyway. That kind of cold blooded bitch turns me on. If she thinks Bond is bad I’ll nail her right on her boyfriend’s grave.

3. Paris Carver - This one counts on a technicality. I used to spank it to Teri Hatcher when she was Lois lane. She didn’t become a Bond girl till a few years later. She was also really pregnant at the time so there’s no super hot sex scene because they had to shoot around her belly. Personally I’d have just shot it ON her belly. ZING!

2. Xenia Onatopp - I guess the Cold War really did a number on me - I loved those Russian chicks. This one kills her victims by squeezing the life out of them with her insane-o powerful thighs. She works when you’re in the mood for a lil auto-erotic-asphyxiation.

1. Pussy Galore - Pussy Galore has a dislike of men, however she falls for 007 and eventually helps 007 defeat Goldfinger’s plan to - um - poison all the gold in Fort Knox. Essentially she’s a lesbian but she’s not afraid to go both ways. I like to imagine I’m actually another woman for this fantasy.

-Pat Joseph

If you hadn’t noticed all the slutty costumes running around today; it’s Halloween. So, to celebrate I spent the last week trick or treating through the extensive HotMovies library to bring you the 7 best Horror Themed Pornographies!

Cue lightning…

7. From Lust Till Dawn - This erotic, horror, thriller isn’t a parody of its Tarrantino namesake. You see vampires are having sex with and feeding on helpless, human victims. In an attempt to uncover this sinister world that lives in the cover of darkness, Monica Dawn (Christina Black) falls victim to these creatures of the underworld. There’s even some nun sex for those of you who aren’t turned on by fake blood and big tits.

6. Demon Lust - Nick and Tony have three days to pay back the mob or face certain death. Persued by maniacal hit man Eddie “The Goose” Rao (Tom Savini) the two hapless crooks pull a B&E at the home of one Amanda (Brinke Stevens). She’s this sexy, mysterious woman with some very strange nocturnal habits. Demon Lust would be higher on the list but there’s a giant prosthetic monster suit in the final scene but no one has sex with it.

5. Santa Claws - From the co-creator of the horror classic Night of the Living Dead and the beautiful horror actress Raven Quinn, comes the scariest holiday tale this year. A depraved serial killer stalks the cold winter night… Santa Claws! The red-suited maniac tracks Raven down to the set of her latest erotic horror movie. Here, the grim madness of reality collides head-on with cinematic fantasy in a blood-frenzy of psychopathic mayhem and slaughter. I love Halloween/Christmas Horror mash-ups.

4. Demon Sex - (Not to be confused with Demon Lust) A dying race of alien demons lands on Earth looking to save their species from extinction. What better way to conceal their identity than by morphing into super-orgasmic, sex-hungry human females and then using their new and luscious bodies to get everything they need - most importantly, a secret formula of alien DNA that will help rebuild the alien population?

3. Hookers In A Haunted House - Three “ladies of the evening” repeatedly encounter the ghost of a grocery store bag boy after being forced to spend the night in a haunted house. Slapstick humor and bared breasts abound in this nutty horror comedy. Some of the jokes are flat. The chests, however, are not.

2. Texas Dildo Masquerade - Tabitha Stevens stars, alongside a dream-team ensemble cast of big dicks, nice tits, and more dildos than you can shake a … dildo at. This one sticks close to the original. Ron Jeremy turns in a superb performance as the cripple brother. Needless to say the virgin doesn’t survive either.

1. Re- Penetrator - “Re-Penetrator” Directed by Doug Sakmann is a pornographic spoof of H.P. Lovecraft’s 80’s horror flick Re-Animator. The film is the story of a stripper (Joanna Angel), who after being dead for twenty years, is resurrected by a perverted mad scientist, Dr. Hubert Breast (Tommy Pistol). Dr. Breast vaginally injects the long dead, but exquisitely preserved, exotic dancer with a special serum so the re-penetrated corpse will return from the VIP room in hell and crave nothing but sex. After he injects her with a gooey green potion, the stripper awakens with an insatiable craving for balls and fucks the mad scientist from the gurney to the grave.

I’m looking forward to the sequel where Joanna Angel is scheduled to bone Lovecraft’s other famous creation; Cthulhu.

Happy Halloween,
-Pat Joseph

Deadly female ninjas are an important part of anything awesome. It most likely has to do with that greatest of Mathematical formulas: Swords + Boobs = Super Sexy.

Journey with me now as I look back at the Top 7 Deadliest Ninjas with Vaginas!

1. Elektra - You might know her from that clunker of a movie some years back but for me Elektra has always been a comic-book babe. She’s the daughter of a Greek Gangster who had her train with a different Sensai every year of her life. Special thanks to whichever Grand Master taught her to wear red thigh highs and a thong into battle.

2. Taki - The demon hunter from japan who left her home to track down the evil Soul Edge sword. Some demons can only be banged to death… like the one in my pants.

3. The Bride - Beaten and left for dead Beatrix Kiddo fought back and killed all of her attackers. This one carries lots of baggage around with her and if the last lover is any indication she’ll break your heart… litterally.

4. Miho - Sin City’s very own Prostitute Ninja. Yes, please.

5. Pink Ranger - Mad respect to the Mighty Morphing Power Rangers who were progressive enough to have not one but two super sexy ninjas on their team. Unfortunately for Yellow, Pink always seemed more attainable; she dated a dude with a pony tail. That kind of low self esteem is a total turn-on.

6. Chun Li - Another Daddy’s girl; I’m pretty sure she entered the Street Fighting Championship to avenge her father’s murder. Her tiny frame hides amazing ninja skills; those sculpted legs aren’t just for appearance - watch out for her “Spinning Bird Kick” or not, if that’s your thing.

7. Chuck Norris - That beard!

-Pat Joseph

I had to learn the hard way; but not every hole is penis friendly. While my wiener feels most comfortable in somewhere warm, dark and preferably moist, I can’t just go sticking it in any hole that looks willing. Allow me to submit this list of places you should keep your wiener out of.

1. Black Hole - While the inescapable, gravitational forces along the event horizon might make for a fantastic sucking sensation you’ll soon find your bird, along with all your other atoms, crushed into a singularity of zero length, width and height.

2. Sink Hole - Having Sex with sink holes may result in a cave in.

3. Blow Hole - This one is tricky; it’s technically considered skull fucking. I for one don’t see how it’s all that different from a mouth (you breath through it, after all). But, Greenpeace has it’s rules and having sex with the orifice of the world’s largest mammals is a no go.

4. Unattended Glory Holes - You never know who’s behind the curtain, but do yourself a favor and make sure someone is behind the curtain, after all. You could waste an otherwise productive day just waiting around. Careful not to pull a Senator Craig either; don’t go making your own glory holes where ever you want.

5. Bullet Holes - This isn’t sanitary for anyone.

6. Your Ex-Girlfriend/Boyfriend - I know she looked hotter than you remembered when you ran into her or whatever your bullshit excuse might be. Do not enter those holes. She is your Ex for a reason. She’s back is because no one else wants her holes either.

7. Dyke Holes - Not that kind of dyke! The kind that hold back massive amounts of water from flooding small dutch villages. I don’t know if you remember what happened to the little dutch boy who stuck his finger in one but they made him register as a sex offender.

-Pat Joseph

People are always hating on pick-up lines. I’ve completed some major scores with some of the worst lines of all time.

How is that? These lines are so bad that a pity fuck is inevitable.

7. Forget the condoms, I shoot blanks.

6. My eyes aren’t red and swollen because some woman hit me with pepper spray in the parking lot, I’m just overcome by your beauty.

5. What do you say we go back to my place and do some math: Add a bed, subtract our clothes, divide your legs, and multiply.

4. Would you like to see the biggest bonner to ever win the Tuscaloosa County Fair?

3. Show me your TITS!

2. Hey can I *cough* takeyoubacktomyplacegetyounakedanddoyouifyessaywhat?

1. DIBS!

-Pat Joseph

In response to Men’s Health’s “Top 10 Craziest Places to Have Sex” allow me to submit this list of the Top 7 worst places to masturbate.

Trust me, I’d know better than anyone.

7. Tanning salon - If you must, remember to liberally apply sun screen to your balls.

6. Your sister’s bed room - It doesn’t matter that you were sniffing around for her girlfriend’s panties. It’s going to be awkward, regardless.

5. Prison Shower - They consider it flirting.

4. Fertility clinic - I love spanking it but I usually don’t need an excuse. This feels too much like work.

3. Cubicle - Short walls, no ceiling, it’s a false sense of privacy.

2. Space - Clean up is impossible.

1. Back seat of a police car - It will be used against you in a court of law.

Everywhere else should be safe.

-Pat Joseph

Some of you might think it’s disgusting to fantasize about cartoon characters, let alone animated moms. To those people I say; sorry, I’ve already exhausted most other fetishes.

Without further ado, The Top Seven Cartoon Moms I’d Like To Fuck.

7. Maude Flanders - She’s hot, moral, and most likely a freak in bed; a lot of those religious types are. She’s stuck at the top of the countdown because she’s married to Ned Flanders, dead and can’t handle an onslaught of hot wieners (she was killed by a hot-dog cannon).

6. Betty Rubble - Betty was the hottest thing in Bedrock and her kid is adopted, so, no streatch marks.

5. Cartman’s Mom - Who cares that shes a hermaphrodite, single mother whore who fucks anything that walks? Liane Cartman is an excellent domestic slave mother. She does whatever it takes to keep her man happy, even if it means sleeping with the offensive line-up of the Denver, Broncos.

4. Tarra - Wife of Zandor, mother of Dorno, and queen of the Herculoids. You gotta hand it to her, it can’t be easy living with two men, a dragon, an ape, a rhino, two protoplasmic, amorphous blobs and still have time to run around in a loin cloth. Tarra not only pulls it all off but she makes it look good, too.

3. Brak’s Mom - A foxy, alien babe with gorgeous white hair, wears a mask and speaks with a British accent. Sounds like the perfect example of a fiery cougar to me.

2. Lois Griffin - Lucille Ball said, “Once in his life, every man is allowed to fall madly, inexplicably in love with a gorgeous redhead.” That redhead, everyone, is Lois Griffin. Not only is she slammin’ hot and well aware of it but she is hilarious in her own right. That, and every once in a while Lois goes crazy and shows us her naughty side. BDSM, smoking pot, partying like a College Co-Ed or getting naked in the living room; Lois never ceases to impress me, and keep me sitting down, if you know what I mean (think boner).

1. Elastigirl - This one is obvious. Who wouldn’t want to stick-it to Elastigirl? She’s a big, hot, rubber band… with BOOBS! I mean there’s nothing you could possibly think of that she can’t do. You could bang her while her top half was in the other room making dinner! the perfect woman? I should say so!

Did I miss any? Drop me a comment, let me know.

-Pat Joseph